Finally

Thinking about it days and nights, often wondering when and how. It constantly flashed across my mind - Eventually it will come, just be patient. Many times, I rushed and failed. To sense and mind, a long-awaited maturity finally set in. When everyone around you has stopped playing and started shopping for prams and diapers; when raising families is a norm, it finally caved upon the puerile psyche.

Slowly, the unfolding starts, revealing parts of the unknown. Apprehensive over what might unfold, I stopped buying toys, shoes, unworn tees. Collections of alcohol, shot glasses, intricate toys, shoes I've amassed over the years stopped in its tracks wondering when I will ever get my own place to display them. Will I ever find "the one" who will accept the infantile?

All along it should never be an acceptance, but the growing out of an unacceptable state of mind. I realised the importance of what IFs and how it should BEs.

I finally know what I want. It's not about making choices or taking chances, it's about knowing what you want and accepting it. It's about knowing what you do not want and not accepting it. Yes, my mind is often in the state of uncertainty, flipping switches in states of 1 or 0.

In saying that I guess, I need to sort out my love life first. Which will lead me to setting up my own family, the part which I am missing and finally ribbing my brains out.

And in my family, rules have to be set. No tolerance of things I hate. If I can do it, why can't the person I choose to share my life with, have done it?

I detest :

1) gambling
2) smoking
3) cheating
4) sloth
5) greed
6) stupidity
7) impatience
8) bad sportsmanship
9) unfilial
10)untrust

Many of which I am guilty of myself and thus at times I do dislike what I have done. If you are a friend, acquaintance, hell-no do what you want. But if we are to be eternally fused together, going forward the feets have to be moving together. We have to be helping one another and understanding each other's limitations, fears, dreams, hopes and goals. So there is a need to know how it should be, how I need to get there.

For the last few years, realising what I have lost and what I want back and I can only reflect upon how did I lose it and how I need to change and improve myself. That's how it should be to lead me to the what if.

So for now, singlehood is a choice as I ponder if I should get my own place amidst such difficult times, but I do need to start living on my own and await the elusive "one" whom I believe will come in "her" own time. The only question that I will stumble over is what if "she" never comes. Only heaven knows.