Progressing oneself

haha

For those having issues at work

Found this on the internet today...applicable at work, or in life. Especially those who got told off or knifed in the back by friends, someone or your boss at work.

Joke for the weekend

Been a while since I posted a joke, here is one for the weekend.

First-year students at Texas A&M Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

I want a Panda suit for Halloween!

If I can be as mean as this kick ass Panda...I wanna rent a suit for Halloween.

12 Days of Ris-Mas

Watched this last year about X'mas time - compliments of Vicky..Hilarious this Judee Tan acting as Ris Low.

Hard Love

Now I know why Chinese love to drink Turtle soup.

They should have filmed all the way to the post-sex and see how the Tortoise react after the Wok "bochups" him!

Meaning and Defining

min·ion: Middle French Origin.


Date: circa 1500
1 : a servile dependent, follower, or underling
2 : one highly favored
3 : a subordinate or petty official

slave: Middle English Origin, from Anglo-French or Medieval Latin


Date: 14th century
1 : a person held in servitude as the chattel of another
2 : one that is completely subservient to a dominating influence

Now which is better off?

20 Great Quotes R(A)

Ok found these quotes online and found them to be hilarious - for those under 18..please leave.

20. "During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else."

-Richard Lewis


19. "Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them."

-Kevin Costner


18. "I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible."

-Leslie Nielsen


17. "Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs."

-George Carlin


16. "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

-Drew Carey


15. "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."

-Rodney Dangerfield


14. "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."

-Steve Martin


13. "Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."

-Woody Allen


12. "It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."

-Marilyn Monroe


11. "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

-Woody Allen


10. "It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."

-Winston Churchill


9. "When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."

-Matt Groening


8. "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."

-Brendan Francis


7. "There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid."

-Denis Leary


6. "An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."

-Edgar Wallace


5. "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

-Woody Allen


4. "We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

-Robin Williams


3. "Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."

-Steve Martin


2. "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night 'You're a pervert' I said, 'That's a big word for a girl of nine'."

-Emo Philips


1. "If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humour was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex."

-Kate Beckinsale

Personally love the quotes by Drew Carey, Steve Martin and Woody Allen!

Jokes for singles on a lazy Sunday!

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Hi...
Woman: Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.

Man: If I were to rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Woman: Yeah?! Well, if I were to rewrite the alphabet I would put F and U together.

Ok ok...seems like the woman is winning...here's some great comeback lines..

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said, you look fat in those pants."

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: Fine with me, I don't care where you go after we're done in the car.


Ok here's for those Chinese New Year/Family gathering moments (thank me later)

Top 10 answers to questions like theses: "Why aren't you married yet?" or "Why are you still single?"

Ans#1: I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Ans#2: What? And spoil my great sex life?
Ans#3: Because I just love hearing this question.
Ans#4: Just lucky, I guess.
Ans#5: I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
Ans#6: I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Ans#7: I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Ans#8: My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.
Ans#9: We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
Drum roll....Ans#10: Oh you have not met Jane/James yet? (single ladies pls use Jane, James for single men)